As far back as I can remember I have always believed in God, and from a very early age I was taught that one could not believe in God without believing in religion, and that if you believed in God you had to believe in religion. God and religion were one , they could not be separated. If you loved God then you must love religion equally. And so I believed everything that was taught to me by the nuns.

One such belief was that if anything bad happened to me it was because had tested me, and I had failed him, and it was God’s punishment on me for my failure and I must accept with humility my punishment. For years I thought my life, my very existence, was a failure because I had failed all God’s tests because I had turned away from religion and had begun to believe that religion and God were separate; that I could not believe in one without the other; that I could not love one and not love the other.

Boy, what a guilt trip because some bad, bad things happened in my life and I stopped loving God. I did not stop believing in him. I slowly stopped loving him. I have been raped, I have been really ill with cancer, I have tried to commit suicide and I was always told that this was God’s punishment on me for separating God from his religion. How can a mere mortal separate God from his religion? I don’t even understand what the word religion means, all I did was separate me from my religion.

How could I love and support a religion that told me that: the continuous rape of my body, the illness that I have suffered, the hopelessness of life that I have felt which made me want to take my own life, was God’s punishment and that I must endure this punishment because it is a test from God. No! It was better for me to stop loving God and religion, stop putting my trust in him to deliver me from evil and to stand up and deliver myself from the evil that was surrounding me.

For a long time I stood alone, or so I thought. I had been very ill and was on the way to recovery but unable to leave the house simply because I had been seriously ill with cancer for such a very long time, when a leaflet came through my door advertising South East Derbyshire College NEMAP taster courses in a variety of subjects. I read the leaflet, picked up the phone and enquired about theatre and photography courses.

For some reason I felt that this was what I needed to help me get back into society. So I went along to courses and befriended some of the dancers on the Performing Arts course and in turn met Rebecca and her church family. She, I feel, was sent by God to show me that he is still with me; that he has always loved me; that he has never punished me; never abandoned me and that he was waiting for me to complete the real test.

All my life I have felt I was tested and I have thought about this for a long time, until one Sunday in church when we sang a song with the words: "Lord send revival, start with me." Almost at once I knew what the test had been. It was for me to find my way back to the Lord in love, my love for him, because his love had always been there. Once I had done this I felt so much better, lighter, lifted, I’m not sure how to explain it but God did it.

Last week when I went to the hospital for a full body scan I was told that I am in full remission and they can‘t understand it. I have had a second scan, at their request, because they think they have made a mistake and the second results show no cancer. My thanks to God and to all who have prayed to me. His will shall be done.

Since then I have had a further scan and, praise God, I am still free of cancer.

Varina Howell